I was worried that “life lessons from dodgy movies” was kind of a childish feature. So today I thought we’d inject it with a little gravitas, a professor, Henry Jones Jr, or more commonly, Indiana Jones. Yes, it’s still gravitas even if he calls himself the same name as his dog. Yes, this intrepid adventurer has many lessons to teach, and not just about the handling of ancient relics. So, without further ado, here he is, Professor Indiana Jones.
Today, I’m going to tell you about the lessons I learned while on my hourney to recover an artifact of religious significance and how I prevented it from falling into the Fuhrer’s hands. Yes, I am talking about the Ark of the Covenant. I am going to try and run through theevents in the order they happened, but, I may get some wrong, the memory isn’t quite what it used to be.
While grave-robbing retrieving the sacred golden statue from a cave deep in the land of the Hovitos, I triggered a trap, and had to outrun a massive bone crushing boulder. Now, while this was exciting and breathtaking, there is an important lesson here. Sometimes you have to push the cocksucking boulder up the motherfucking hill, and sometimes, you’ve got to run away or be crushed. You have to be able to decide which situation you’re in and act appropriately.
Later in my travels, I encountered a large angry man wielding a sword. Normally , I would wade into the conflict whip slashing and try to take him on at his own game. This guy was, however, a lot bigger than me and was very clear in his intent to perforate me. So, I did what any rational human being would do in this situation. I shot him. This shows us two things. First, you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. Second, you have to understand the capabilities of the tools you have available in order to understand the best time to use them.
After the apparent death of Marian, I was heartbroken, but, the Ark wasn’t going to find itself. We went off and consulted an expert in the text surrounding the edge of the amulet. Sallah had managed to get a good look at the amulet the Nazi scum was using and had noticed that it only had text on one side. As a result, they were digging in the wrong place. Again, we can learn two things from this. Anyone know what they are?
No. My word the quality of students has dropped. I’ll tell you this too shall I.
It doesn’t matter how many resources you commit to a venture. If you’re digging in the wrong place, you’re never going to find what you;re looking for. Secondly, everything has two sides. In order to form a valid opinion, you have to understand both sides.
We proceded to excavate the correct spot, determined to steal the treasure from under the noses of the Nazi’s and that poser, Belloq. We found the entrance to the tomb and inside was the absolute worst guardians. Snakes. I hate snakes. But, regardless of my fear, I wasn’t going to let that stop me laying my hands on the Ark. We got the Ark, and then got caught, and subsequently trapped in the resting place of the Ark. Marion and I refused to panic and examined the options. Eventually, we found a way out (although it did involve the destruction of a magnificently carved wall, a real loss to history).
But, I can see that my story is starting to bore those of you with a short attention span. Yes, I’m talking to you, the unkempt youth in the third row who’s snoring gently. So, I think we’ll end the lecture here. Next time, I’ll tell you how I managed to stowaway aboard a German submarine, rescue Marion, and survive the opening of the Ark.
Thank you professor, a pity we couldn’t hear the full story. I’ll have to make sure we get a more lively bunch of students for your next lecture. Perhaps some that understand the importance of learning from history, and not those who are recovering from last night’s party. Thank you again for your time.
