Cartoonival of Wisdom

Welcome to the great Cartoonival of Wisdom.  Come one come all and gather round for the words of wisdom dispensed periodically in graphical form.

To intro event, we have a diatribe on evil from the man who pioneered the phrase Doucherocket, the founder and honorary dictator for life of August 17th, Johnny B. Truant.

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There are too many pussies in the world who sit back passively, afraid to go out and take what they want. The remedy, of course, can be found in animated form. Most of the correct way to approach an aggressive style of life and business is embodied by Dr. Heinz Doofenschmirtz from Phineas and Ferb.

* Be proactive – Doofenschmirtz is always, always, always working on a new evil invention, understanding that the more things you try, the greatest chance you have that one of your -inators is going to eventually allow you to rule the Tri-State Area.

* Be memorable – Doofenschmirtz is always looking to make his mark on the world so that people will remember him, whether it’s using a space robot to make giant hand shadows on the moon, destroying the ozone layer selectively by spraying his name across the sky so that the sun burns it into the earth below, or SETTING FIRE TO THE SUN.

* Be forceful – Again, I’m thinking of all of the people in life who just sit back and hope that things will come to them. What if instead, you went out and simply took what it was that you wanted? Nobody is going to offer to loan you the giant fire-breathing Queen Elizabeth II robot. You have to climb up to the cockpit and take it.

Be mindful of branding – Doofenschmirtz Evil, Incorporated has a killer evil jingle, and the doctor himself has an evil tattoo. Does anyone need to remind Heinz Doofenschmirtz to stay on brand? I THINK NOT.

Could you be more evil? You can always be more evil. If you aren’t constantly being foiled by a nemesis, you have room for improvement. So get out there and think big!

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And thank you for that insight Johnny.  Now, If you’ll all move out of the main arena, we have a large number of sideshows for your enjoyment today.

To start off your entertainment, we have a real live, honest-to-goodness freak, Pace, and her show featuring Bob, the Angry Flower.  You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, but if either of them comes at you with a hammer, it’ll be a good idea to hide your hands.

Next up, we have our resident Apothecary.  Whether it’s a pick me up, a put me down, or just a little something to take the edge off, Kathleen’s got it covered.  Remember the secret phrase “What’s up, Doc” and you’ll be golden, 18 carrots at least.

If you’ll just keep walking, we’re about to come to our concession stand.  Load up with High Calorie Goodness and make your way down to the Holographic Rock Spectacular, I just hope the AI behaves itself this time.

Here, in the tent the spitting image of the Library of Alexandria, we have the master manipulator of the digital word. Watch in awe as the secret doors with “Do Not Open” signs are opened.

As you wander through the many attractions, gaze in wonder at the mythical beast.  There are also Unicorns and Narwhals in the cage.  That door at the back opens up to a world of cows, amoebas and science.  It’s a scary, scary place.

Finally, we have the man who clanks when he walks and despite all his posturing has yet to claim a Dragon Head trophy.  Learn and laugh as his plans for world domination get foiled by incorrectly sized rubber pants.

Thank you for your attention, We hope it was entertaining and educational.  Souvenir programs are available on the way out.

The schedule in order of appearance:

Opening remarks from Johnny B Truant

Pace and Bob the Angry flower

Kathleen with Bugs Bunny

Kelly Parkinson with Jem

Kelly Kingman with Blooregard Q. Kazoo

Amy Hoy with The Far Side

Gareth with Pinky and the Brain